i'm not sure i want anyone to watch my videos (the truth about growing on youtube)

In the Fall of 2020 after rebranding my YouTube channel as Critical Healing Moment, I had set a goal for myself to reach 1000 subscribers by August 2021, and I nearly reached it. As I write this, I have over 950 and every time I come back to edit this blog the number keeps going up.

Why 1000?

One thousand subscribers and 4000 watch hours (the amount of time people spend watching a channel's videos) is currently YouTube's threshold for channel monetization (being able to receive money from the ads that play before, during, and after a video) and a lot of people consider that to be when one "makes it" on YouTube. Although I still feel a bit icky that, say an Asian American pandering pro-gun ad might play before one of my videos (yes, this is an ad I've seen on YouTube), achieving the eligibility of monetization would mean that I would have recognition by YouTube as having the power and influence to "sell people things" and that that power and influence could be used to advance the conversation on healing and liberation.

It took me a year and a half of making videos at a rate of around two per month to get almost 400 subscribers, and just in the last three I gained over 500 thanks to posting a critical video on the liberal YouTube "I do not dream of labor" trend. This video has over 8800 views and over 120 comments, something I could not even fathom, averaging around 100 views on my usual uploads and 1-2 comments from people I personally know.

Although it may not be considered "viral" by today's standards it was definitely a lot more attention than I was ready for. At first, it was exciting because I started to receive supportive comments that were in agreement with what I was critiquing about the trend. The more views and comments a video gets, the more it gets pushed out to other viewers. And that's when the comments that were critical of my video started coming in. Whenever I saw the notifications that I had received some new engagement, I experienced both the excitement of being recognized for the work I had been putting into making videos and the dread of reading critical comments.

I wish I could say they were "hate comments." I would almost rather people just stopped by my video to call me "ugly" and continue boosting me to the algorithm. However, the comments that got to me the most were the ones that insulted my intelligence by being condescending and patronizing, and belittling my optimistic view of human progress without trying to understand the context from which I speak. It doesn't matter how right or wrong a person may be, no one likes to be told that they are wrong or stupid.

The internet is a horrible place in terms of encouraging humanistic communication skills. As a Western society, we aren't even that good at face to face communication, especially when it is with people who are different or have different beliefs than we do. Effective communication may be one of the most important skills I've learned of and committed to developing as a youth and social work practitioner. I believe it is key to healing.

And then, there is that fear of being an "out" leftist. In many spaces that I have to navigate culturally and professionally, being anything left of Democrat is stigmatized. What would it mean for my professional social work credibility to advocate for the controversial ideology of "communism?" Social work has a problem with sitting on the fence as a profession that approaches social problems with "objectivity" and still having "social justice" as a core value.

For a period, this fear and anxiety led me to avoid engaging with my Critical Healing Moment YouTube channel. I wanted to wait until the hype died down a bit. With a deep centering breath I clicked on that red notification as I finalized editing my latest video. Nothing too bad here. I feel safe to upload this more vulnerable side of things.

So where does this leave me now? I want to set a new intention for myself in how I show up in online spaces, especially in written comments and engagements.

Firstly, I commit to pausing, breathing, and noticing. The beauty of online communication is that you can take forever to do that and the other person will never know. Perfect practice for how to do this in real time in person.

Secondly, I commit to trying to understand where the other person is coming from and what this brings up for me. This doesn't mean I have to agree with them. It just means that I accept that this is their perspective.

Thirdly, choosing to respond is a committed choice. I always have the choice not to respond if I don't feel like it will further understanding. This is counterintuitive to the way social media/YouTube works, because we are incentivized to engage with our subscribers with further exposure (the algorithm doesn't care if the comments are supportive or critical).

Lastly, if I chose to respond I commit to de-escalating. I choose nonviolence. I choose healing.

Maybe the key is that I choose. It's time to let go of our programmed, automatic trauma responses. Who's with me?