critical connections + conflict

... the real engine of change is never "critical mass"; dramatic and systemic change always begins with "critical connections." - Grace Lee Boggs, The Next American Revolution: Sustainable Activism for the Twenty-First Century

I named my YouTube channel "Critical Healing Moment" in reference to the ways I find that healing shows up in every day life. It is a challenge in today's fast-paced society to slow down and notice these moments.

My group and family therapy professor has many -isms (and not in the bad way like racism and sexism!) One of the things that he says is that people are hurt in a group [their family of origin] and they can heal in a group [referring to group therapy]. I can't help but agree. Of course everyone can experience tragedy and grief through naturally caused events (environmental disaster, illness, etc.); but as social creatures emotional hurt only happens in relation to others. And healing happens with others as well.

When that pain is not consciously dealt with, we end up hurting others, and the cycle continues. Can we bring awareness to moments of hurt and, instead of perpetuating harm, transform them into "critical connections?"

I heard this saying in a restorative justice training I once attended:

Conflict is the spirit of the relationship asking itself to deepen. - Malidoma Somé

I recently had two interactions with other human beings, one where I was hurt and one where I hurt the other. In both instances the one who caused hurt did not intend to, and yet it still happened and happens everywhere and all the time between two people who have a relationship with each other. What made these interactions different than the ones that further disconnect and continue cycles of harm?

Firstly, there was presence and the desire to hear what the other had to say even if it caused discomfort. Secondly, it was the pause in the moment of the interaction that allowed for us to become witnesses to the process and to name that something had shifted in the relationship.

What I'm suggesting is that there are many opportunities in our everyday lives to experience critical connections if we allow ourselves to notice them. And if dramatic and systemic change really does start with critical connection, what have we been missing out on by not bringing our presence and awareness to our relationships?